dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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