if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I cannot find my penis.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
