There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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