haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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