Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
