do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
