We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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