Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
