i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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