I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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