He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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