By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
