if i can run in heels then i can drive
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize