Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
