Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
