It's Friday. Sex?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
