Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
