Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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