they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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