Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
