My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
