I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
