I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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