Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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