69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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