My hand turned me down
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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