Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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