Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
