you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We need to get me chipped asap
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
