Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
