i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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