we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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