Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
