my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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