I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
