it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize