he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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