Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
