So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize