Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
