i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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