The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
