The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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