at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
