The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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