meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
