I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
