if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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