smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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