youre lurking in front of me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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