I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
