i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
