My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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