allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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