Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
