In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
