I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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