My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
