I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I look better un-naked...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
