yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
