Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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