we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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