I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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