I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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