If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
