roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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