I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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