he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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