P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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