U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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